They removed one of my ovaries, diagnosed me with Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and told me it might be hard to have babies, I was 19.
I grew up the eldest of 6 children, I grew up being a “second mum” and a big part of me grew to resent that. It wasn’t my choice to have that many children but I didn’t have a choice in helping to raise them. I don’t mean that as harshly as it probably comes across, I love my younger siblings so much and I loved our childhood, we were very lucky to have the childhood that we had but there was that one side that resented the responsibility that I felt was placed upon me. As a result I had never been all that fussed about having kids, in fact I had stated multiple times I didn’t want them. That was a choice I had made at the time, but that all changed as soon as it seemed I didn’t have a choice at all.
I went from not wanting children, to desperately wanting a child. Suddenly I had a very different perspective on what it meant to have a child and an appreciation for what an amazing experience that is (another post for another time).
I tried, hoped, prayed and wished for a child and after a year that wish came true.
This is Isabella (Izzy) and she is five. The other day she said to me “I wished to be here mum, before I was alive, when I was nothing out in the darkness, I wished to be in your tummy and it happened”. It is mind blowing to look at her growing, hearing the amazing things she says (and the horrible things too), watching her play, learn and make a mess wherever she goes and realise that she came from me. My wish came true and is now making wishes of her own.
I’m still not convinced that I’m meant to be a mum but I am so glad and grateful that I am.